Dear Dad, I’m Scared!
"Hi, how are you? You did not even call me once in the past three days."
"Dad, can I call you later?"
Each time my phone rang, I sent an automated message reading, ‘Can I call you later?’ And this just went on, and on until one fine day, I FaceTimed my dad and started howling on the call. As soon as my mom heard my voice, she came running out of the kitchen to know what exactly had happened. Little did she know, this was just the start.
“I think you need mental help.”
-Boss
A few months ago, I had a fantastic opportunity to present my data at a conference and deliver a platform talk. We began preparing for it a month before the event, and everything seemed great. The location, the outfit, and the speech just made me confident about myself and my choices to date. But after that, something happened; my experiments just didn’t work. Initially, I thought it was just one, then one became two, and two became four. Two months passed, and we began troubleshooting, but couldn’t identify the problem.
This began to stress me out, as I desperately wanted to graduate as soon as possible. But the possibility of extending a semester was around the corner. One fine day, I decided to talk about my anxiety with my PI (Principal Investigator, a.k.a my boss) and asked for an appointment. Two days later, I was sitting in his office and nervously jiggling my leg to have ‘the talk’. I started the conversation by saying, “I wanted to talk to you because I feel that whatever I touch breaks into pieces, and everything I do goes wrong. I don’t know if it’s in my head or what, but I just don’t feel confident while performing an experiment anymore. I have 10 things running through my mind, and my mind is scattered. I don’t know how to figure out my life.” To which he replied:
“THIS IS ADULTING.”
I was stunned by his answer, but I thought maybe ‘adulting’ was the answer. We had a chat for over two hours, and honestly, I felt sad while I was walking into his office, but I was completely depressed while walking out of his office. I told him that I was overwhelmed by the amount of work I had to do while balancing my academics.
It was nearly impossible for me to work in the lab starting at 9:30 in the morning and work my shift from 8pm to midnight, considering that I have to stay back until six or seven in the evening at times in the lab, which literally gives me 45 minutes to go home and change just to show up at my shift on time. To that, I received the sweetest response ever: “I already give you less work because you feel pressured, and even with this work, you feel overwhelmed.” I had no words, but I knew that my PI had absolutely zero intention to gaslight me. In these two years, my experience with him as a student made me realise that the fear was only in my head. He would never do anything intentionally to put me down, but has always worked for my betterment, and honestly, it took me time to understand and accept it.
Dear boss, I think you hate me. This was something that I wanted to tell him since I initially started working under his supervision. With every little mistake I made, my PI would either get frustrated or tell me that this mistake would ruin all chances of graduating or working for a good biotech company ever. I had the pressure to never commit a single mistake, and honestly, this led to a series of mistakes.
My confidence just kept going downhill, and one day things got so bad that we had a sit-down conversation in his office. I told him that I could not handle the pressure of academics and overall life in general, to which he replied, “This is the bare minimum.” I had tears in my eyes while I was in his office, but I did not cry; I just nodded my head and did not give an explanation because I knew that I had messed up, and probably this is causing him to become more and more frustrated. If I added fuel to the fire by explaining myself, the next thing that would happen is probably getting kicked out of the lab. I chose to call up five people and cry about it for the next two days. Apart from me paying my inner circle to support me no matter what, they asked me to identify the problem, which was very simple and straightforward for me. It was time to prioritise my priorities. Yes, I had to prioritise my priorities. Everything is important, but is everything urgent? Something is urgent, but is it that important? Some things are neither urgent nor important, and that’s how I learned about the Eisenhower Matrix.
It took me days, weeks, and months to realise that my boss does not hate me but actually sees potential in me and consciously chooses to spend his time educating me. I was just a slab of clay when I first arrived in this country. I didn’t know anyone or anything about the profession. One of the most beautiful mistakes that I made in my life was mentioning my PI’s name in my statement of purpose. I had an interest in diabetes and cancer, but didn’t really know a lot about these diseases. I had to read up on a few papers that the faculty of interest had published and then decide whom I would like to work with. I casually read his papers but didn’t understand a lot. I don’t know what caught my eye, but I mentioned his name in my SOP. The interviews went well, and the next thing I knew, I was flying to a whole different country to get trained under him. My PI has moulded me into a version of myself that I couldn’t have ever imagined. Apart from the lab skills, he taught me professionalism, taking initiative, organizing, managing my time, and much more.
No boss is easy to deal with, but I’m sure I’m learning how to deal with people.
"I know this is a stressful journey, but this is adulting and if you’re feeling overwhelmed constantly, I think you need mental help"
As soon as I got out of his office and went back to my desk, I saw an email pop up in my notifications, reading Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS), and it said you can go through this page and schedule an appointment if needed. The next thing I knew was scheduling an appointment. I booked an appointment for the very next day, and I was all prepared to have my first introductory session.
The call was scheduled for 9 the next morning, and I was already ready to express what I had on my mind for months. The counselor asked me about myself, my location, and the severity of the situation just to make sure that I wouldn’t hurt myself in the process of expressing my feelings. I assured her that I wouldn’t make such a harsh move and would never hurt myself, and this was the first time that I felt proud. In my head, I just had an inner voice saying, “You didn’t come this far to go this far.” I had absolutely no intention of getting this emotional while conveying my thoughts, but in those 45 minutes, I just cried buckets and buckets. No wonder I was feeling low. The next day, I called up my therapist back in India and asked her to help me get out of the situation.
Darling, I think you are manifesting mistakes. As puzzled as I was after hearing this, I’m sure you are too. I didn’t really understand for a hot minute what she really meant by me manifesting mistakes. I mean, who in their right senses would ever ‘manifest’ a mistake? To which she replied, “There are two things: manifesting something that you want and manifesting something that you just don’t want.” And I guess this changed my perspective for the better. She taught me to accept the situation, as I was the one gaining something out of it.
I have firmly started to believe that when you actively look for solutions, the universe sends some signs. The whole situation made me resume therapy, and one fine day, I had just a casual conversation with one of my colleagues that left me thinking deeply about my life decisions and being grateful, as I could see the dots finally being connected. She said, “I know it’s difficult, but endurance is everything; if you stay, you will learn,” and in no way am I encouraging you to stay in a toxic situation. What I mean by endurance is that when you know that you’ll win a trophy, you must be ready to give your 110%, be ready to feel some kind of pressure (eustress), be ready to multitask, and be ready to fail, but you must not forget to experience the greatness of your work, despite failing multiple times. Remember what Thomas Carlyle said, “No pressure, no diamonds.”
‘YOU ARE NOT ALONE.’
In this process of becoming a scientist, I became a researcher, a student, a barista, a desk assistant, a blogger, a partner, a co-worker, a patient, and so much more. And after endless nights without sleep, I have realized that it’s all about perspective. If you envision yourself somewhere that might seem impossible at the moment, the first thing you need to do is get out of your comfort zone. Life is, and never was, a bed full of roses. And most importantly, every time you feel stupid, just remember that if only you knew everything, you wouldn’t be here in the first place. You are not stupid; you are just scared.