Am I the Moon?
A few months ago, I had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to visit Copper Harbor, which is the northernmost end of Michigan. I saw the sky covered with infinite stars, witnessed the Milky Way, and saw the moon. There was something different about the moon that day, I must say; it was a full moon, and it looked something out of this world, literally. I find the moon to be the prettiest of all, as I look at it as a sign of calmness, and the different phases of the moon talk about the different phases of life. Someday, somebody might just overshadow you; someday, even if you work as hard every single day, you might not feel seen; someday, despite throwing light, you might not feel as appreciated as you should. Still, one day, you will have your moment to shine, you will look the prettiest of all, you will be the most gigantic and enormous thing in the sky, you will be the most everyone wants to know more about, you will be the moon.
"Somebody call 911!!!" I have been waiting to write my seventh blog for a long time and have been thinking about what I should write about. It is easy to be clouded with negative thoughts, and I thought of jotting them down and conveying them to my readers, but a voice deep inside me asked, “Why do you always have to talk about negative things? Don’t you have something to be happy about, or to celebrate?” and I thought, maybe that’s true. As days passed by, I was happier as I was getting closer to achieving my dream of graduating with a master’s degree in Physiology, a subject I have been a loyal fan of for the past seven years. But what’s a success story without some melodrama?
Inculcating professionalism is part of a learning curve; nobody’s born with it. Transitioning from being a student to an employee is hard, and a tough environment at work makes it even harder. You start to believe that nobody understands you, and even a slight slack that you give yourself makes you feel guilty about it. Something similar happened to me as well.
The most important thing about being in the wrong is not apologizing, but acknowledging the mistake, taking accountability for it, and apologizing, along with giving an assurance that this mistake will not be repeated. I call it the 4As of being sorry. At times, as a student, you don’t realize when and where you were unprofessional. Instances like finding an error in the email after hitting send or the things that you thought were ‘understood’, but you had to communicate via email, are considered ‘unacceptable’ in the corporate world. But, is there no place for human errors? To make it clear, I had an exam in the form of an assignment, which I was not aware of, and had two days to prepare for it. I decided not to go to the lab as my exam was my priority, and I did not let my advisor know about this surprise extension. After the submission, I showed it to the lab and had a good hearing from him. I took accountability for my actions and apologized right away, with the assurance that this wouldn’t ever happen again. I thought this conversation was over, but how silly of me to think like that. Three days later, the same agenda was discussed in a weekly meeting, and without taking my name, I was pushed into a corner and dismissed for my actions. I still remember the statement, “This person did not have any remorse or regret for not communicating via email, which makes me think, does this person even care about their career? This person to me seems very reckless and has a do not care attitude. This is unacceptable.”
Every time I make a mistake, I am reminded constantly for months as to what I did and what I should not do. I was hurt as I felt disrespected, and I felt as if the four As weren’t enough. I cried and cried, and just cried. Shedding tears was nothing new to me now. Days passed by, and I started multitasking more than I ever did. I was performing 10-hour-long experiments, writing my thesis, and analyzing data, all at the same time. On top of it, my advisor advised me to work as hard as I could and said, “No dinners, no clubs”. The focus was to graduate just in time, and I was ready to give it all until one day I had an anxiety attack.
911 was dialed, the paramedics arrived, and I was put on a stretcher to check my vitals. I kind of lost my voice and the ability to speak, struggled to breathe, and started clenching my teeth while my eyes began to roll. Now, the last thing I wanted was to pass out. I was taken to the campus clinic, where I was again put in a wheelchair and sent to a room for further assessment. The nurse practitioner very casually asked me, “Why are you here?” and very innocently, I said, “ I’m having a panic attack.” I thought she didn’t know about it, but then she began asking a series of questions, starting with, “Why are you sitting in a wheelchair? Are you liking the way you are right now?” Tears started to roll, as I never felt this ugly. I guess my body was giving signals- since, for the past three days, I barely slept as I left the lab at 10:30 in the evening and had no time to either eat or bathe. I took a bath once every two or three days because I didn’t even have the time for it. As I started to describe my feelings, she could sense the pride I carried with me while sitting in that wheelchair about how hard-working I was, and asked me if I would like to continue this for the next 20 years. In my shaky voice, I confidently said, “No! This is just for my degree. I am graduating soon,” to which she replied. “Well, what if you don’t?”
I went numb, and I said, “Why do you think so?” She further asked, “If I take your master’s degree or your thesis away from you, what would be your value in your eyes? Will it be zero?” I said, “Of course not.” And then she said something I needed to hear that day. She said, “Exactly, your work doesn’t define you. But the way you are and the way you do your work define you. And to keep yourself alive, you have to make sure that your body and your soul are in a sound state. You clearly cannot manage stress, and it comes from a place where you are not able to manage your time. Self-care is equally important because that is a reward that you give your body for working this hard.” I went quiet and took some time to absorb it, as in all these months, everybody spoke about my work, but nobody spoke about me. Then she made me do some breathing exercises and a couple of stretches, post which we said a few words of affirmation together that helped me calm down. In the next hour, I was able to walk, talk, and breathe freely, just the way I did a few hours ago. And then she said, “ When I saw you in that wheelchair, with your neck stretched onto one side where you could barely speak, I thought you had cerebral palsy. I am glad you’re fine.”
Thank you for all your help today. I don’t know what I would have done without you all.
Best.
I went home and relaxed a bit, sent out emails to everyone, and thanked them for their help during my anxiety attack situation. For the next couple of days, I just kept thinking about what might have gone wrong. I decided to reflect upon myself and maybe introspect as to where I could improve. In those two days, out of the few promises that I made to myself, I promised to never feel guilty for not doing something that I could have done if I had pushed myself a little further. This does not imply staying in my comfort zone and working accordingly, but I have learned that you can only push yourself to a certain extent, and in my case, I tried to push all the buttons that probably didn’t even exist in the first place.
I always wanted to graduate with my dream degree, but at what cost? As an international student, I am in debt too, and I am working hard, harder than I have ever worked, but just because someone else’s definition of hard work differs from yours, it does not make you less hard-working. My advisor thinks that I show up on every weekend to do the bare minimum, but showing up on the weekend in itself is an extra effort. Statements like, “If you want to come to the lab on the weekend, you can, or else you can do this on Monday! But, remember this is your degree, you will be graduating early, not me” this in itself make you feel guilty if you don’t show up on the weekend and that’s how you are psychologically trained. To learn newer things, I had to unlearn a few things. Having said that, the first thing I unlearned was, “They have the authority to disrespect me.” As stupid as it sounds, in my home country, you are trained to like and respect your teachers/professors, because they want the best for you, and it might be true, but you absolutely do not have to subject yourself to unnecessary stress and/or experience disrespect just because you believe they have the authority to do so. Indifference in opinions should be appreciated as well as the points of commonality. This could potentially lead to insightful discussions and perpetual growth. Not every indifference is an argument.
In these hard times, when I spoke to people, I realized that in this journey of finishing my project, I have met some incredible people who will stand up for me no matter what. The amount of support I have received is just impeccable. I am and will always be grateful to the ‘People’s department’ in my life, where I have friends, family members, and of course, my partner, who would do anything to see me shine no matter what. At the end of the day, ay all you need is a strong support system that gives you the strength to fight your demons.
In these two years, I have realized that achieving your dream is just not about yourself, but it’s a clan of people who work tirelessly for you to become a better version of yourself, and the day you achieve your goals, you will realize that even though you have come so far, it wouldn’t have been possible if these people would not have pushed you and cheered for you. You will let someone disrespect you only if you allow them to, and irrespective of the hierarchy, we have to learn to set boundaries. This is an amazing thing that my therapist told m, and I quote, “You would allow somebody to talk to you in a certain way only if you talk to yourself that way.” Now let that sink in.
Apart from physiology, as a part of my learning curve, I understood that your work should always be rewarded in the form of appreciation, respect, and money. All these things are equally important, but in my opinion, appreciation and respect play a bigger role in shaping your life as compared to money. Of course, we have bills to pay, but the ‘I am here for my paycheck’ attitude did no good to anyone. I’m just a week away from defending my thesis, and I have never felt this uncertain, but in a good way. This journey has been so demanding yet so humbling, and now I cannot wait to see what more is coming my way. I am sure things will be, n new even if they are not, I would happily pretend that they are, but, would never put myself in a situation where I have to sit in that wheelchair ever again.
Lastly, I remember Priyanka Chopra said in an interview, “How many people have the privilege to say ‘I love my job. I love what I do.” Today, two years, 75 experiments, and five presentations later, I am confident to say that ‘I love my job. I love what I do.